A lazy Sunday. My eyes hurt, my feet hurt, I want to melt into this shitty couch. I am unmotivated, unfeeling, and unthinking. I accomplish nothing by writing this, just wasting time. Trying to get to tonight faster.

Killer of Sheep is playing in the background. I’m watching it for a class. It’s interesting, and very well made. I think I’ll write a post about it on here later once my mind is clear.

Perhaps I should have something to eat. Or maybe some caffeine. I’m not sure, all I know is that I’m really fucking tired. In five days I will meet you, and you will meet me.

I need to be less misogynistic in my language. It’s unintentional, but I still do it far too frequently. I was scolded for calling someone here ‘man’ before, as in “I don’t know, man.” I’m not sure what I think about it; my first thought was that it’s a pedantic thing to point out, but I also now realize it’s not really my place to decide what is and isn’t a valid criticism of the way I talk.

I’m trying to turn myself into some kind of object, I think. I don’t understand myself, really at all, and writing doesn’t do much to change that. I’ve kept journals on and off for a long time, though the act seems infinitely more useful than the text produced. I figure that by hosting future entries and other stuff about myself online, someone else will be able to make some more sense of me than I could. I don’t think I want to understand, I just want to know that somebody else does. That I am a real person, with real depth, and blah blah blah I’m getting off track.

I’ve got some essays in the oven for this site, though they’re gonna be shit and nobody is gonna read them. Oh well! I wish I could stomach reading my own writing.

I spent some of my scholarship money on this site. They made the mistake of giving me a big check instead of sending the money directly to my university. A nineteen year old with this much money in his bank account is a dangerous thing at best, a terrifying one at worst.

I’m not sure if I should keep publishing journal entries here. It seems a little self important to do so, but it’s much easier than writing other more-researched posts. Maybe I should start working again to cut down on my “free time”. Argh. In any case, this is it for now.